Should stop this and go......

aahh~~ I don't know... T__T I really feel as if everything I did in my whole life 'til now has been meaningless.. you know? Everything I've done I never thought about doing it for myself, even though I sometimes think I am, I don't feel I am..
And I'm afraid, don't know of what exactly but... all I know is I don't feel good and fear things could get worse.. Mind is so powerful, isn't it? Sometimes I don't think I can actually control my thoughts, especially bad ones~~ It's so hard to push them away, and I end up drowning in them.. T___T ..
I hate to sound so depressive... it's not good, but I just need to write it.. somehow it helps a little bit to make me feel better..
Soon it'll be February.... I'm really not liking it... see? I'm so not helping myself by having this kinds of thoughts... how am I supposed to succeed having this mentality?? That's what hurts the most... I know what I should be doing to get over it but I don't have the trust and faith.. or more likely.. the guts to do it... so I keep on falling and falling on the same place... over and over again~~
gaahh... I hate what I'm doing to myself... especially because it affects my most loving people...